Break The Ice

My Dearest Josh Guest,

While I have not always been the most reliable friend to you, this one question I can answer, but only for you. As a person of great standing you must truly understand that any strand of pearls can and will be bought at a local jewelry store but these, THESE pearls are special. Why are they so special you ask? Well let me just tell you.

DISCLAIMER: IF ONE OR ALL PARTIES READING THIS BLOG ARE STILL BELIEVERS IN SANTA...KEEP READING.

Young Josh, the lovely strand of pearls that you inquired about came from the North Pole from one obese elderly man in red. In my many travels I have had the opportunity to travel to the top of our little planet. I was wearing nothing but my lucky jeans(which unfortunately have a hole in them mid-thigh, NOT GOOD FOR SNOW)and a light NorthFace fleece jacket. Needless to say it was rather chilly with their negative 600 degree weather.

While I was making my way up to the top of Mt. Crumpit I fell upon some rather sweet reindeer friends I now affectionately call Vixen, and Donner. As you might know all of Santa's reindeer are female so I felt comfortable when Donner asked me to jump on her back and she would take me to warmth. Like any 20 year old I trusted the talking snow creature and hopped on.

Our adventure was swift and bloody freezing. As we arrived to our destination I knew immediately that we were at Santa's house. I knew this primarily from the giant sign that said "Welcome to Santa's house." Vixen invited me inside the shack and being the trusting soul I am I politely obliged. Inside I found a whole lot of cookies, candy canes and reindeer feces, they all live together you see. The rather heavy man sitting in the big red chair had invited me to sit on his lap. Now I have been around the block and any man older than 40 who invites you to sit on his lap is officially labeled CREEPER. Regretfully I declined the molesters offer and sat next to my home girls AKA The Reindeer.

The old man continued to try to talk to me but I think after 6 hours he finally picked up on my, "please don't talk to me's" and the occasional, "They let you near children?" Not taking offence to any of these comments he finally asked me to step outside with him. I agreed due to the fact that the sweet smell of cookies and scat, were getting to my stomach.

After a few awkward moments the elderly gentleman asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I answered the same way that I answered you today Brother Guest, " I want to go home and see my family." In addition I asked him for some help with the whole getting warm thing. He made a suggestive comment to me and was quickly met with a rapid slap to the face (that's really why his cheeks are always red) and then he did something unexpected. He rolled up a very small snowball, then another, then another. After about 50 snowballs he pulled a very long white hair from his beard and laid it across the snowballs. One warm breath from his mouth and the hair sunk into the white balls. He then lifted the roped snowball necklace from the ground and tied it around my neck. He swore that the necklace would keep Me warm. I called BS on that but it worked! Then he poofed me home to my family.

So sir, as you might have concluded, I wore the pearls to church today not to look nice but to keep me warm.

Thank you very much for your inquiry about my necklace and I hope I renewed your faith in Santa my very tall handsome friend.

Your Over Dramatic Wife for the Day,
Ash

Out From Under

Well the hustle and bustle of the holiday season is truly upon us. I had made a few Christmas gift purchases and headed to the dollar tree to buy the basics; tape, wrapping paper, bags etc. I walked into the store and found an overpopulated hospital. There were people everywhere. As you might know I like people in small doses. As I shifted through the aisles trying to find my necessities I was infested with people I would label as "low." They were unkept, dirty, poorly dressed and sick. Harsh I know, but it's a harsh world.

After all items had been gathered I prepared to stand in the line of ill taken care of beings. All this time I was in my "west Salem" state of mind (I am too good to be standing next you.) But when I got to the check stand I found an attractive older black woman with a big smile on her face. Now like I said I like people very much in small groups, but I especially like black people because they speak their mind. I made polite small talk as she rang up all my goodies. I said something along the lines of "My goodness, I bet you are really excited for your shift to be up soon."

Now we all have these moments in life that when you come upon them you just know that in that second something in you has been changed forever. This was my slap in the face, my sobering thought if you will.

She said, "Well I appreciate the extra hours," this is the part that kills me even in this moment while I hit the replay button I have a tear running down my cheek. She paused from checking, looked in my eyes and said, "Babies just don't understand why there isn't food on the table." It felt like I just took a bullet.

We all complain at one time or another that there isn't enough money but for this woman there REALLY isn't enough money. I got in the car, called my mom and thanked her for all she has done for me.

I am going to try to live a more grateful life. This will be my New Years Resolution.